A Modest Proposal

With the shutdown over, and the debt ceiling limit raised, the crisis in the Federal government seems to be over, at least temporarily.  So now is the perfect time to reflect on the lessons learned, as well as a time to propose changes that will avoid such issues in the future.  I will offer a modest proposal to help our Federal government avoid this situation in the future.

Clearly, we can no longer trust our Representatives and Senators in Congress, as well as our President, with such power.  They've proven unable to compromise, or even negotiate solutions.  One side is unwilling to live with Obamacare themselves, while at the same time, are adamant about foisting it on the public. They have no problem messing with "the law of the land" as evidenced by their delay of implementation for big business.  Yet, the other side seems willing to bring our government to a standstill over the issue, and were close to negating the "full faith and credit" of the United States.  Both sides are self serving and beholden to large financial interests from big business, labor, and independently wealthy individuals. 

I've thought about this long and hard, and the only solution I see as workable is a complete outsourcing of our Federal government. 

I have a great deal of experience in this area, as the company I work for has embraced outsourcing with gusto.  While it has its drawbacks and detractors, it often accomplishes at least the short term goals of the organization, and often the long term goals if implemented properly.

What remains is a decision on just whom, or what the Federal government should be outsourced to.

My first reaction was to outsource to India, as I have the most experience there.  However, I think this is unworkable, as clearly the Indians are overqualified.  They run a much larger democracy themselves, and I'm guessing that it would be difficult to retain qualified personnel given how far they outclass our current representation in the House, Senate, and White House.

I considered other countries that are often the source of outsourcing, but they all have drawbacks.  I'm fairly certain that outsourcing to Eastern Europe or Russia would be against our national interest.  Outsourcing to Mexico may result in them taking back the territory that we fairly won from them after stomping them in the Mexican-American war.  (Although offering California back to them would probably sink them given the idiots that currently run that state)

So I turned my attention to "people" who might be close to on par with our current representatives, and yet would still provide better government.

My first thought was the lemurs in Madagascar.  They are a fairly intelligent species of primates.  They literally work for peanuts, thus solving our fiscal insolvency in one bold stroke.  Alas, I've found that these primates DO NOT fling their feces at each other.  Unfortunately, this disqualifies them given the fact that this seems to be a central feature of our government representatives. 

I turned my attention to the Bonobos.  They have been known to fling their feces.  However, Bonobos apparently have sex at the drop of a hat.  They do it to say "I'm Sorry."  They do it to say "Thanks."  In short, they do it.  A lot.  Given how the public reacted to Anthony Weiner, I think we can just say no to the Bonobo.

My research on alternative primates led me to the only reputable source on comparative primate species - the Planet of the Apes.

The main players become Gorillas, Orangutangs, and Chimps.  All fling their feces.  None of them have sex to say thanks.

While Gorillas have been known to fling their feces, they are clearly too warlike to lead our government.  I don't want to live under General Ursus anymore than you do.

Orangutangs will also fling feces.  But Dr. Zaius was an Orangutang.  He's a "human intelligence denier."  Clearly we need a primate overlord who will respect the fact that the average American is intelligent, if not skilled in the selection of humans for public office.

Then there is the Chimp.  In my research, I found a new article that suggests that only Chimps fling their feces with a clear target in mind.  Clearly the Chimp should be the outsourcer of choice.  Not only do they fling feces, but they do so with a clear target in mind.  They are also the most enlightened of the primates, as evidenced by Cornelius and Zaya's "humane" treatment of Taylor, the unlucky astronaut imprisoned by the Gorillas. 

So the course is clear.  Cornelius for President!